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the beginning (a simple seed) ~the classic crime
i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table, it will be locked
til i get home

i'm growing feeble and tired of the world
tired of constantly missing my girl
and i long to smell the sea

the sea...
the sea-yeah

i miss the Pacific Ocean
and the northwestern air
and run each of my fingers
through the strands of her hair

ive been over this country lately
but i've been nowhere it seems, nowhere

but ive found the cure to my landlocked blues
its coming home to you


if a simple seed
gets just what it needs
then a redwood tree can grow
up to a hundred feet
and endure the sleet and the snow

but if my whole life
was wrapped and priced
i wonder what the tag would show
cuz everytime im close to the holy ghost
i let her go

i let her go...

i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table
it will be locked, til i get home

February 2023

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quotes i'd like to save...
-=How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd=- ~Alexander Pope

-=ur the sunshine after the rain, the tylenol to my pain=-~me

-='I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry=- ~ W.H. Auden

-=live ur life, make ur heaven=- ~me reflecting upon stuff i learned at yfc

-=life isnt measured by the breaths u take, but moreso the number of breaths u take away=-~meggyo's profile
trippy tea.
Saturday. 6.12.21 now oclock.
What is time.

This is me. am i a blank page? better fill it up kit. make the words jump off the page. maybe just a skip and a hop.
chew. push. kick. kick. push.

the keystrokes are feeling so right. i remember what it was to just pour out. She let me pour.

This is my sculpture. i put words here. and there. and then over......nah not there.

I am in control here. What a journey. What is inspiration. Really. Is it when...drugs happen.? I meant to put that period there. I assure me. Thats what this is. I need to assure me. I feel like Ray Charles. Nobody needs to see me. Nobody needs to see this. Why do small humans do "cries for attention" . Is Nutang a community of attention cries. A collective of bemoans. I mean no disrespect. I am merely having a moment. of a something. moment of....reflection. inflection. introspection. thatsssss what nutang is for me. specfically. i can only speak for myself. when i do...what do i even say. is it worth saying?

dont look to anyone else. just be me, let the music do its thing.

bam. it did it. to me. not for me. just for the sake of being itself. What is being me like? what does that look like? is it when I play video games? maybe. how do i treat others? yeah mostly that.

typing this way makes me feel so dainty. blogging this way.....before the publish button.....is shroedingers blog. i am simultaneously existing in this blog but if I just hit ctrl+w it would be like it never happened. Let it happen.

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136th day of 2020
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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another year goes by
Saturday. 8.22.15 10:15 pm
haha i feel like i'm competing against my last blog entry for epic-ness. but of course, that's not what these things are for. a lot is the same:

-family and friends still loved.
-vacation still loved!

but what's different? what's new? what's getting better?

Bethany beach this year was different in that it was a honest to goodness, through and through family vacation. It was planned months in advance, so we very much looked forward to it. It included wife, toddler, newborn (4months), nan+grandad (the inlaws), and a verbose older cousin. The grandparents showered kiddies with beach gifts, the sea and sand were thoroughly enjoyed, and quality time was spent with all combinations of people. whole group, just me and the wife, me and the inlaws, me and the kids, me and father-dear, just me. Twas a great week.

My son is what's new. He unfortunately has inherited the bad skin traits of both my wife and me. Eczema. The wife takes it upon herself to deny herself gluten, soy, and dairy. I need to figure out a way to keep viable food for her...taking care of kid number one was tough I guess, but now it's like the same tough with a 2yr old gremlin trying to physically mess with everything. I do stop and catch the glory that is having children in the house though. Fleeting moments like the elation incited by shaking a stuffed animal, or endearing instances of wanting to participate in assembling a crib. It's a powerful feeling of parental pride in "small" stuff like seeing your daughter play nice with others, share, or take care of her little brother. I feel my life enriched by them. (when they're not whining/crying)

Getting better....haha maybe my attitude? It like my radar for frustration just doesn't detect things like it used to. I feel more and more comfortable at work with my co workers. I'm continuing softball for a 2nd year in a row. My 2nd baseman skills have been ok so far. I got a compliment from the best baseball mind on our team saying i was "probably the most athletic" on the team. Heh, i guess it's good to know I'm not getting THAT old yet. I turned 30, and I gotta say...i feel my age. And I like it.

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i drive myself crazy.
Sunday. 8.10.14 11:09 pm
i am one of the most easy going, disarming people when it comes to being "good company". some might say i let people walk all over me. when it comes to myself though...i drive myself crazy. i get nervous, and inwardly scold myself for being nervous, and afterwards i try to let my own scolding roll off my back. i curse the with the most anger when it comes to personally messing up something like forgetting to bring reusable bags to pick up groceries. maybe i just bottle it all up and unload on myself in large doses instead of smaller doses on others.....*sigh* who knows...

summer is over for me. work starts up again tomorrow. i feel slightly bad for "complaining" at all about my summer vacation ending, but it gives me a chance to step back and take stock of my life.

-i love my wife
-i love our daughter
-i love our friends and family
-i love vacation time.

-i can handle my job. i only love it sometimes. i'm working on it...*rimshot*
-i can handle my house not being a mansion. also something that's going to change over time.


i mean what the fuck else is there right? i can't go to otakon? it crossed my mind, but I don't miss it. getting worse at video games? gaming does have a large piece of real estate in my heart of hears. i'm figuring the time involved in "keeping up" for games like smash and tekken just doesn't fit into my life anymore. but on the flip side of that, i'm diversifying what games i can enjoy. bring on pikmin, monster hunter, any RPG.

this summer i.... jumped head first into a softball league! annnd had the presence of mind to include one of my best friends whom i'm afraid of growing distant from. i took my family to the lake. my family went to bethany beach with my inlaws, an inescapable tradition (we tried going somewhere else but ended up at bethany anyway). we went to a different beach in the middle of the week with a friend with a kid playmate for Camille. i went to 4 baseball games thanks to my father in law. repeatedly took the family out to the science center in baltimore. we spent time with new, like-minded friends and had a posh museum brunch (Gertrude's) just today on someone else's dime. I taught my brother how to parallel park, and back into a spot.i put Camille to bed 30 times, gave her 100 kisses, and witnessed a thousand smiles. i admired my wife, all her perfect imperfections, all of her grace and hilarious disgraces.

I love having a summer vacation. for a second there i thought i wasted it.
*breath* i feel better. life goes on tomorrow, and i'm cool with that.

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what causes an emotional reaciton.
04/16/2011 8:08:35 PM
i'm feeling numb..ish. maybe a lil..pointless. *sigh* i dunno. i guess more...lacking in a real passion or hardship. kinda a mildly boring middle ground. the best song writers pour emotion into their music.
sharp painful experience.
stinging insult in song form.
graceful expression of thanks.
rhapsodic call from the rooftops of insanely loving love.

what was my last sharp painful experience? abandonment comes to mind....

father,dad, pop. when i was just 7 or 8, you took me to shoot a basketball. couldn't launch the ball that high from the ground. i looked up to you, shooting it with one hand, with such a natural ease, nothing but net.

i'll never forget you.

casinos were your favorite spots. race tracks a close second best. you taught me to entertain myself with a few arcade games. it was a start of something big for me. a staple in my life - the games, not the gambling. from your mistakes, i learned.

i'll always thank you. never hate you.

and now. now you're safe. away from the drugs, away from the things that poisoned you so. but your sons...are forever your sons. distance will not change that. the younger two may forget, or more-so will not have many reminders to realize they've forgotten. i'll always remember the way you loved to sing along to "lite rock" on 96.5 k.o.i.t. Your absolute standard of respect, but with a simultaneous readiness for fun. both at any and all times. i'll easily recall your jokes. puti 'to, mas puti 'to. your pure devotion to your friends... a sort of distance from your family.. i guess i missed that from both of my parents.

theres only so much to remember. i only knew you until 8th grade. i only had a father up to 8th grade. barely a sentient being, and for so little time, i feel i didn't get a chance to return the love you gave me. i want to make you proud. to show you my gratitude. to feel you pat me on the back, with those rough hands that before i was 4, scratched my back until i fell sound asleep.

i'll never forget you. i'll always love you Pop.

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brand new....or knock off old me
Tuesday. 4.5.11 7:54 pm
words fail. when one's brain is teeming with thoughts, when one's tongue tip is the diving board for ideas...words fail. somethings are better expressed without words: a high five of triumph , a grin of deceit, a snapshot of a sunset.

somethings shouldn't ever be uttered. christian's swear not to swear. the world of harry potter has a character referred to as "he who shall not be named" or something like that. Apparently, "bomb" is a taboo word when located on a plane- "bombardier" is equally frowned upon.

i like words. i like words like a fat kid likes sitting down. i enjoy words the way a blacksmith enjoys a good hammer. i wield words how a ninja does his stealth. i play with words like Bobby Fischer used rooks.

((this is when inspiration struck me, and i wrote a song called.....grin of deceit))


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the number is lesser in value..and easier to swallow
~'would you like something to drink'
if your stomach feels weak, then my work here is done
~'the words "best friend" become redefined'
if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, i'll follow you into the dark
~'i'll follow you into the dark'
i'll be floating out at sea, waiting for periscopes to spot my warm body
~'no ace, just you'
this is the part where i'll admit i'm getting what i deserve
~'lost and found'
lets sleep tonight on a bed of nails, so that every other night doesn't seem so painful after all
~'beter than sex'
if it were up to me, you're gone, i've been dying to get it into you somehow
hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that i am not there, i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this
wanna fuck up my life?-i'll let you.
this is the rhythm i was signing to the beat of my feat as i walked away
~'i fought the broad (and the broad won)'
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
if i could, i'd only want to make you smile
~'make you smile'
the past is only the future with the lights on
~'baby, come on'
morning always comes too quick when you're around..
~'still breathing'
i beg not to escape permeating my pores, whetting my appetite for more
~'amanda's poem about unicorns '
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
love me gently with a chainsaw
~'tie her down'
smiles and her laughter, its the only thing that ive been waiting for
so many high points on this last leg, i cant wait to recount them- it seems like nothings happened until ive shared them with you
~'shirts and gloves'
ur lips, ur eyelashes- ur skin, these are the parts of ur body that cause my comatose to begin
~'all hail the heartbreaker'

lets start out-by starting over... ~'lovers and liars'

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