i'm feeling numb..ish. maybe a lil..pointless. *sigh* i dunno. i guess more...lacking in a real passion or hardship. kinda a mildly boring middle ground. the best song writers pour emotion into their music.
a..
sharp painful experience.
stinging insult in song form.
graceful expression of thanks.
rhapsodic call from the rooftops of insanely loving love.

what was my last sharp painful experience? abandonment comes to mind....

father,dad, pop. when i was just 7 or 8, you took me to shoot a basketball. couldn't launch the ball that high from the ground. i looked up to you, shooting it with one hand, with such a natural ease, nothing but net.

i'll never forget you.

casinos were your favorite spots. race tracks a close second best. you taught me to entertain myself with a few arcade games. it was a start of something big for me. a staple in my life - the games, not the gambling. from your mistakes, i learned.


i'll always thank you. never hate you.


and now. now you're safe. away from the drugs, away from the things that poisoned you so. but your sons...are forever your sons. distance will not change that. the younger two may forget, or more-so will not have many reminders to realize they've forgotten. i'll always remember the way you loved to sing along to "lite rock" on 96.5 k.o.i.t. Your absolute standard of respect, but with a simultaneous readiness for fun. both at any and all times. i'll easily recall your jokes. puti 'to, mas puti 'to. your pure devotion to your friends... a sort of distance from your family.. i guess i missed that from both of my parents.

theres only so much to remember. i only knew you until 8th grade. i only had a father up to 8th grade. barely a sentient being, and for so little time, i feel i didn't get a chance to return the love you gave me. i want to make you proud. to show you my gratitude. to feel you pat me on the back, with those rough hands that before i was 4, scratched my back until i fell sound asleep.

i'll never forget you. i'll always love you Pop.

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words fail. when one's brain is teeming with thoughts, when one's tongue tip is the diving board for ideas...words fail. somethings are better expressed without words: a high five of triumph , a grin of deceit, a snapshot of a sunset.

somethings shouldn't ever be uttered. christian's swear not to swear. the world of harry potter has a character referred to as "he who shall not be named" or something like that. Apparently, "bomb" is a taboo word when located on a plane- "bombardier" is equally frowned upon.

i like words. i like words like a fat kid likes sitting down. i enjoy words the way a blacksmith enjoys a good hammer. i wield words how a ninja does his stealth. i play with words like Bobby Fischer used rooks.

((this is when inspiration struck me, and i wrote a song called.....grin of deceit))

heh...word.

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i've been thinking...

i get on my own nerves. i think in social situations i'm better off just shutting up an laughing amiably at jokes of others. i'm just not that clever, or witty. i rely on a few "go to" remarks to get by most of the time. "good one" "got em" "whooped ya" and even those i can't call original to just me. *sigh*...anyway, whining certainly won't get me anywhere.


i'm thankful for...


my mother. i sure haven't shown it to her but, i appreciate her being there when i need her. i also appreciate her leaving me be. she's never been overbearing, and that's something to be grateful for.

my dad. he's no longer my long lost father whom could be dead for all i know. i've called him a couple times, wished him a happy birthday this past october 28th, and he let me know when he got a new phone number the other day. i'm glad he has me in mind at least that much.

my bros. ha. the "babies" as i used to call em. i prolly need to get outta that habit. keiko's improving his grades as a junior. jj started his highschool career with straight as. and jerichoooo however, is struggling in middle school. i have faith he'll be ok though. him and my mom probably have the tightest relationship. jericho will be the one that comforts mom the most though.

my friends. niki, got a bunch of us running, ran the jingle bell run, and whooped. sank, where i lack in wit, sank makes up with hilarity left to spare. mike, the steady rock in the lives of many people-always dependable and honest. amy, the quirky fun loving multi faceted ying to mikes..... wang. hahahahahahahahhaa
*sigh* i could go on forever with brett, nick, casey, zach, danny, jen..... yes i do still consider them part of the gang. thank you all. Everyday wouldn't be nearly as great without you guys.


and last but certainly not least:

meghan. i'm thankful for a million things she does everyday. this year...the thing about meghan i'm most thankful for is...putting up with me. funny thing is, she thinks i'm the one putting up with her sometimes. but i think i've been the one fucking up more, being more grumpy, and more out of it. i'm lucky she knows how to deal with my stupidity, and also how to correct it through out discussions.

enough gushing. enough whining.
tomorow: eating.




happy thanksgiving everyone!

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my last entry was September of 2007.*breath*...needless to say. a lot has changed since then. looking back at that entry...i had just finished my first week or 2 of teaching. and here i am only a couple of weeks away from starting my third year of teaching. lets start with what's the same.

-other than teaching...
-still with meghan. she hasn't gotten sick of me yet, heh. and i her.
-still decently close with most of my maryland friends.
-family still good, no big changes there. my pop is still a bit of a mystery, but i got a phone call recently so he's alive, and relatively well so i'm glad to know that.


and that's all i can think of that has stayed.
instead of just spanish 1&2..i'm getting a section of spanish 4. that should be cool getting an upperclass group of kids.

meghan and i live together in an apartment, and are engaged to be married. during a trip to canada...with a ring entrusted to me by her parents, i proposed at night next to the niagara falls, under fireworks, on one knee. we plan to buy a townhouse and then have the wedding in 2011. no kids in the near future plans though. we do have a dog. cali aka girlie- the hotdog. short for caliente. (perro caliente is hot dog in spanish)

im cool with my friends but the dynamic has changed a lot since our usual days in mikes basement. couples have parted, gone through hell, and are going through much strain. new approaches to life for them have developed, and are still developing. california folks are a sad distance away physically and personally, but i did try to reach out to a couple. mixed results so far, but i guess i'm just...i dunno. curious i guess. or something like it. i half want a pessimist to confront me about whats up. so i can put myself to the test. do i want what i have? do i have what i want? i want the test, because i desire to backup explicitly to myself why i've made the decisions i've made. i don't need the proof per se, i just want to spell it out. getting engaged to meghan was a feeling, an instinct, a notion that needed to be solidified, officialized, and real inside of me. mind, body, and soul. i know the only way i'll be truely happy is if she is. and that's the absolute truth. and when i proposed, meghans jaw dropped, her eyes lit up brighter than the fireworks, and the following days of her absolutely gushing happiness to her friends and family as the news was relayed through text message, and phone call. this...this joy that i incited.. hopefully is only a glimpse at wedding happiness, and the cumulative pleasures of spending a lifetime together. i feel this is my purpose in life. to bring about positive-ness in general. with meghan i can do that the most.


there was a question once i read where it was like..if a plane was crashing and you could either save your significant other or a hundred strangers, who would you save? i guess at a time in my life, i wanted to bend the rules and just "save" everyone i could. but if the question were different, if it were if you could make 100 people generally happy, or 1 person ecstatic who would you make happy? now i know in my heart, i'd have to dedicate myself to that one person to truely make him/her(in my case-her) fully, and whole-heartedly....and this is how "why im getting married to meghan" is spelled out.

i guess i don't really need that test afterall...thanks anyway pessimists. i'd still like to talk though. i'm kinda short on conversation with anyone other than meghan so... here are a few thoughts that you can comment on if you feel an urge to:

i was buying a jacket, and some random guy behind me said he'd give me his gift card to pay for it instead, and i'd only have to pay him half of what got taken off the card with my purchase. an on sale $90 dollar jacket ended up only costing me 31 dollars. go figure.

i was almost fired from being a teacher because i didn't take my praxis tests in time. ever heard of a praxis? its kinda like SATs for teachers. i ended up passing them all though. the first time around, and on time. pretty vindicating experience considering how close i was to being shit outta luck.

im going to an orioles game in the end of august, but don't own a single piece of clothing that says baltimore or orioles on it. i recently saw a picture of a californian wearing an orioles hat. i never knew cali folks liked the O's. unless the pic was actually in baltimore...


good night everyone.

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wow. much has changed. i read that last blog and noted how i slightly anticipated a 'plateau' in my life......and for this year....that plateau is me teaching.

i've been fortunately hired as a high school spanish teacher. im responsible for the grades of 159 students students. this first week was tough, especially the first day of full classes. but it got a little better each day after. and so im hoping it follows this trend...and i gain confidence bit by bit.

meghan is in her last year at slippery rock...but i visited her this weekend, and drew an immense amount of positive energy from being with her for just the long weekend.

i miss meghan more and more every day....



...right now its currently 2:47am on saturday, september 8th, and i shall continue this blog. hmph. i can't really sleep. i had a few cups of coffee at about 9 and i hadnt had coffee all week so it really got to me tonight. i tried to lay in bed for a couple hours but i couldnt fall asleep. so i thought i could shoot for some of that late night phenomenon...maybe stumble across some sort of zen...happen upon a bit of enlightenment...

at school on friday i met up with my mentor teacher. she paralleled my experience being a new teacher to that of an intern doctor, whom had just graduated from med school..but had to have a couple years of residence, under a mentor type figure. and i dont know about anyone else, but this definitely made me think of grey's anatomy. haha. and my mentor teacher certainly isn't going to be around as much, but the analogy was interesting. im going to need guidance and support if i wanna survive teaching, im just so glad theres plenty of options to get exactly those things. my department chair is very helpful. she seems almost motherly.
the other teachers are so welcoming very open to teamwork and cooperation.

anyway...this weekend. it'll be my first weekend where i'll be hanging out with my friends. last week i was lucky enough to have a 3 day weekend to regroup with meghan. so this time i can just relax with the gang here. maybe spend some time organizing my things here at the house. i need to get a transcript from aacc...pay a credit card bill....*shrug* i should prolly get to sleep before i wake up and half my saturday is gone.

i think ive become a little more concerned with time management. planning is becoming something that eases my mind more than ever before.

good night.

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so ive been thinking....

when i came upon a new environment..for awhile...or indefinitely...i saw each time as a chance to become someone new, someone 'cooler'. i moved a couple times between elementary school years..moved to a new town for middle school....moved to the other side of the country for high school.. and each time, i thought 'this years gonna be different, im gonna be smarter, more outgoing, more likeable.' i went away for college to slippery rock...i think this is when i beganto slow down a little bit. i wanted things to stay more the same. as i type this...im sitting in spain, thinking....im on the verge of a plateu in my life. a plateu which i need to set up where i keep the people i love close...and my life can just play itself out like cruise control. no more crazy turns, (maybe when i become a dad), just ...smooth sailing. haha...what an optimistic point of view..but hey...im an optimist.

going off to spain..i was set in a foreign country with nobody but a handful of complete strangers. so i guess i kinda had the opportunity to be whoever i wanted for these folks....but in retrospect, i didnt really try hard to be any 'cooler' or anything like that. i was just myself. i absorbed as much as i could in classes and had good times with these fellow travellers. as a group we've developed a decently tight knit group..but i dont think ive treated anyone any differently than from the start. i havent shifted myself to appease or impress anyone. i keep things cool, make sure everyones having a good time, sacrifice my personal comfort for the small needs of everyone else...to me, it sounds like what i do at home, for the gang in maryland. a quote came to my mind...originating from casey embert...it goes like something along the lines of...'you're someone who would do anything for anyone.' meghan composed an awesome poster comprised of good times and praise from awesome people, and that was one of the many jewels that i took to heart. here i've given up my sheets and pillow for people to sleep over comfortably, paid for a few meals at restaurants, carried grocery bags, mopped floors of melting freezers, washed dishes, left parties earlier so one person wouldnt have to go home alone, and i've slightly been a human dictionary for people('keith whats that mean? ')...

so im thinking....
1 i am going to miss my group here.
2 im feeling good about the next couple years of possible future.
3 im happy.

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